Things I Hate/Love About My Backyard

1. Fucking baby raccoons. Why did they pick a tree in the corner of MY yard? Why didn't they pick one of the fifty fucking trees in a 1/2 block radius (which are much bigger and much higher and much more protective, in my opinion) that do not overhang a yard with two bark-o-matic Beagles? Fuckers, with their little hands. I hate them. I've hated them for a long time - since that altercation on South College in Bowling Green.

2. Leaf blower/yard tiller/car vacuum dude who lives behind me. He also has a couple of large, loud barking dogs. He runs his leaf blower/yard tiller/car vacuum ALL DAY Saturdays and Sundays. And his stupid barking dogs aggravate the......bark-o-matic Beagles in MY yard. And yet he has the nerve to distribute a flyer in the neighborhood with a picture of a Beagle that looks remarkably like Owen Beckham with the heading: "LOST DOG: TASTES LIKE CHICKEN." Fucker.

3. Stupid Momma Birds that throw their babies out of the nest too soon. This makes it MY responsibility to chase the little fuckers around the yard, coaching them on, saying "You can do it!" I swear the baby bird last night was talking back to me. Desperately, I do this for a couple hours because I don't want the Beagles to eat them. Like they do all the baby bunnies.

4. Baby Bunnies. Why have your babies in my BACK yard you dumb ass rabbits. You know the survival rate is 2 of 3 based on the last 3 years. And that's only because of my intervention. Aren't all the dead moles/voles an indication?

5. Moles/Voles. I don't know the difference. I just know something like them seem to die a lot in my yard. They're mutilated so I can't tell if there are eyes or not. (I think no eyes means their voles.) Anyway, just before I find a dead one, I find a portion of the garden torn to shreds. Coincidence? I think not.

Things I Like About My Yard:
1. Perennials - Finally, all the flowers with none of the work. And less mulching.

2. Awesome Patio - with fireplace, where I am sitting right now using my wireless internet at 9:30 at night, drinking beer and writing a blog.

3. Fence. Hides big fat guy with a hot tub next door. Don't want to see that. Also hides me in my pool.

4. Pool. Blow up, 18" deep, with cup holders. I think DMC bought it because of the big boobed woman on the box but hey, I'm not complaining. I think I've increased a cup size just today, given the tan factor and the illusion of 3-d that accompanies it.

5. Toads. I like 'em. They're cute. There's a couple different kinds. They don't pee on me now that I'm older. The dogs don't eat them. If you step on them, they don't seem to mind. They don't get squished - you just pick them up and move 'em elsewhere. Very nice.