High Price of Fame

While PWTS chooses to discuss more high-brow topics like Buddhism, cats and ethnic eats, I will go decidedly low-brow. And I'll be brief.

I was looking through the celebrity gossip pages today (what is becoming a horrible escapist habit for me) and I discovered the greatest sex toy ever. Amazingly, this specific sex toy happens to show up on the grocery list hanging on my fridge every time we have company.

Would someone on your Xmas list enjoy one of these? Remember, Cyber Monday is in only two days! Do your part for the economy.

Great Expectations

What I am thankful for? Tomorrow I get to see the Buddha! Or at least what remains of him. He and a number of other buddhas are coming to town as part of the Heart Shrine Relics Tour, before they (that is, their remains) are kept permanently in the 500-foot buddha statue being built in India as part of the Maitreya Project. I'm going to the opening ceremony Friday, when I hope a Blessing Ceremony gets performed, where the relics would be placed on my head. I'm hoping Buddha can make me a nice person, but my wife says even Buddha doesn't have that much power.

Regardless, I'm still happy Buddha has come to see me on my birthday (not my actual birthday, but the day I'm celebrating it because I have the day off from school). I was already looking forward to birthday kimchi, seaweed salad, and wakame from my favorite Korean market. The wakame is especially fishy-smelling as sea vegetables go, which irritates my older, smarter cat and puzzles my younger, dimmer cat to no end. The last time I had wakame, the older cat sat atop her claw-and-climb sniffing, anticipating the delicious aroma of fish until she saw the smell was coming from my bowl and realized she was mistaken. Trust me to eat the only crap in the sea.

The younger cat was far more perplexed. She ran around the house squeaking, trying to find the fish. Numerous times her nose led her to my bowl, but when I offered her bits of wakame, she squeaked, "No, I don't want grass. I know you've got fish? Where is it?" I almost felt sad for the torture I was causing her, but the wakame tasted so good.

Desire is the root of all suffering.

Frankie the Keener Weener

I can finally show you what I've been bitching about. It's really freaking me out.

Projects for the Week

I have two projects that I have been working on this week. I consider them high priority.

1) Get as many people at work as I can to use the phrase "Sphincter Spasm" in conversation with one of my coworkers. This has been only moderately successful as people seem to have a lot of issues with the word "sphincter". I've had to direct some people to use it in email if they truly feel they can't say it with a straight face. I do not understand what is so difficult.

It is proving to be much more of a challenge that the "Moist Nub" project of 1999. I'm entertained by that particular project to this day as most of my friends have adopted the phrase into their every day vocabulary. I was hoping for similar success with Sphincter Spasm. We'll see.

2) Learn enough of Fergie's (from Black Eyed Peas) "Fergilicious" to customize it to sing to my cat Kodi (who is Kodilicious). He has seemed really bored lately with my rendition of "Kodilicious" as sung to the tune of "Bootylicious" so I think he's ready for a change.

I've gotten this far:
"He's Kodilicious
If you pet him he'll get vicious
He's Kodilicious
He thinks fish are delicious
Kodilicious"

I'll post a photo of Kodi later so you can enjoy his irritated expression as much as I do.

There is nothing funnier than singing stupid songs to your cat. You can just tell you're grating on their nerves and they think you're ridiculous. Endless hours of entertainment.

In other news...
I've had a hard time getting past yesterday's post because I keep thinking of things that really anger me. By "anger me" I mean, make me want to beat something/someone with a baseball bat. It's not a long list. It includes (but is not limited to):

1. Nickleback
2. Creed
3. Woody Allen
4. "Girl from Impanema"
5. The book "Bridges of Madison County"

It's a work in progress.

Happy Birthday to C.U. NextTuesday!

Two (I mean Three) Things That Have Me Riled Up Today

1) I had to follow ANOTHER truck with a Giant Winking Weiner Logo on it this morning - this time the vendor was Superior. I can't remember the website or else I'd link to a picture of that irritating little fucker.

2) Time magazine releases its All Time 100 Albums list and they fucking included Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys. I think that is such a load of crap. Anyone who would put that album on their list is just doing it so people think they're cool. The record is irritating, to say the least. I fucking hate the Beach Boys.

3) The irritation over Pet Sounds stirred up my extreme hatred of Woody Allen, as I was thinking of the level of my hatred of Pet Sounds and came up with, "It's on the level of my hatred of Woody Allen." Now I'm just sitting here at work having hateful thoughts about Woody Allen and the Beach Boys.

I am glad I'm finally focusing on the important things in life instead of worrying about my shitty job and school.

Thank A Veteran Today

And I don't just mean the WWII or Vietnam Vets. Everyone. My brother is a veteran of Desert Storm. My uncle Tom is Vietnam Vet. I have uncles on my dad's side that fought in WWI, WWII, Korea. At one point my grandma had 4 sons in the War. A salesman I've worked with for years is a passionate Vietnam vet who is active with many veteran's groups. The guy in my department served in the Marines. They are all special to me.

Military service is not an easy thing - for the guys in the military or for their families. It's hard. And it deserves respect - regardless of where you fall on the Right to Left scales ( I lean left, by the way).

I can't express what I want to say in a way that will give it any justice so I'll just leave it at that. Make a phone call, send an e-card.

Just say thanks if you have the chance.

Today Was a Beautiful Day

Today was mostly dark, cold, and rainy here in Charlotte, but it was a beautiful day. If I didn't know that I am very insignificant and my actions have little effect, I might think my giving money to homeless people yesterday helped make today such a good day. I know, though, that I had only a very small part in making today so beautiful. I felt so good today that I let my students go home early and gave my cats extra treats. I even had a couple of celebratory drinks tonight. I know that Mavis has banned politics from this blog, so let me just say today was a wonderful day, one of the best I have experienced in the past six years. I somehow doubt my Ohio comprades would disagree. And to top it all off, Comedy Central reran the Rick James episode of Chappelle's Show. Today was a beautiful day.

Your Curse Has Ended, Evil Third Grade Teacher

I was a very cute, peppy, happy little kid in K through 3rd grade. I may have even been popular. And I was smart. Then, I had a math test that I didn't do so well on. The Evil Mrs. Papcum (yes that is her real name, real spelling) took me out in the hall and said, "Mavis, some girls just can't do math. And you're probably one of them."

My life went down hill from there. I became socially awkward and discheveled. My popularity sank. My grades became average.

I never did well in Math after that. I drifted toward the readers and writers and away from the scientists and math whizzes. I preferred the artistic kids. I became a punk rocker/goth weirdo in high school. Not that there's anything wrong with that but it doesn't exactly put you on the popularity track in high school. I was teased, ridiculed, humiliated by my peers.

I never passed a math class in college. Not even remedial math, Algebra 095 (it wasn't even a 100-level course). I took it 3 times and I was pathetic. I would have horrible anxiety attacks during the tests - I couldn't breathe. I felt alternately hot and cold. I felt like my brain and my bowels would explode simultaneously. I turned in blank tests. I switched majors just so I wouldn't have to pass Algebra and got by with a Computer Science 200 course on Basic programming (I got a C).

Damn you, Mrs. Papcum.

However, on Tuesday, October 31st, 2006, Mrs. Papcum's evil curse ended. I got an 88% on my Statistics midterm (which in Grad School is an A!). It was one of the highest grades in the class. I'm pushing 40 but I hung that fucking test on the refrigerator. No one will take that away from me.

Victory is Sweet. I am the Smartest Girl in the World and I Am Good At Math.

An Un-Unibomber

My brother and I once had a conversation in which he said he totally thought Ted Kasinsky had the right idea - except for the bombs, lack of electricity and lack of indoor plumbing.

It took me a minute but I realized he meant living as a recluse. And Ted Kasinsky was the most popular recluse of the time. I thought my brother was nuts when he said this. Who in their right mind would want to live alone in a shack in Montana?

I'm having one of those days when that sounds pretty damn good.

Open Wide for Cleveland's Pride

I followed a truck down I-77 that had a giant hot dog on the back of it. I think the name of the company was "King's Weiners" (they just HAD to use the word "weiner"). I can't really remember if that was the name of the company because I just kept starting at their tagline:

Open Wide for Cleveland's Pride

The whole way down 77 the thoughts were racing through my mind: "Does that mean Cleveland's Pride is a Weiner? Does that mean Cleveland should swallow its pride? Is that weiner winking at me?"

I did not need to read that in big bold letters while driving at 7:30 in the morning.